B

Still waiting. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got forgiveness

Oh

Today started too early. I was not prepared to get started when the day began. Woken up to go do shit on a boat we couldn't even get done. It's just a lame day. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got

A

Nothing is the same, forever changed, forever dark, forever grey, forever lost in my lonesome embrace. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got stars.

The

I don't really have anything to say. I hope whoever may read this that you are well and all is good. Maybe something will happen today that will give me something to say tomorrow. Further attempts to....Bye for now. Got a friend. I wish I was _____.

4merly

I wonder what today will be. It will probably be mostly the same as yesterday, with different streams of conversation, and slightly different walking patterns from here to the coffee maker and outside for cigarettes. Overall it will be the same as everyday. I wonder if I would be the same if I had money to do whatever I wanted. Would I sit here waiting for sentences or responses, or would I be out fighting politicians and their evil ways. Perhaps neither, maybe somewhere in between. Maybe jumping out of airplanes or climbing mountains, or playing music somewhere on a beach in another place with someone who enjoys my company. Maybe none of these. Maybe I would just build a cabin in the middle of nowhere and just read and plotting a world wide anti government revolution. Well anti typical governments we have now. Who knows, maybe if I could promise it all to the one, maybe she would accept me and then I could be happy. Probably not, the particular one I speak of wouldn't want someone just because they had everything. So, that is a useless thought. Merely filler in a paragraph I have no real design on. Just more words to add to a limited thought I had before I started this. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got grey.

One word

Hi. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got to.

Okay

I lied, I'm going to keep doing it because I like talking to you and anyone else who may happen to read this. If this is the only place I can speak to you the way I want then I will continue to use it as my outlet. I wish I wouldn't have fucked shit up so bad between us. I wish I could say I don't know what happened, but I know what I did. I pushed you too much, it's like you told me the one time, why can't I just be happy with the way things are, and I thought I had eased back a little, but apparently the damage was already to severe and done, since it hasn't been the same since then. Anyway sailing is canceled for this weekend and you are gone again. You don't appear to be speaking to me at all anymore. At least you aren't responding to my messages and you didn't speak to me at all the last time I saw you. Oh well. I'm sorry for whatever. I hope you have a good trip and I hope maybe sometime you'll enjoy my company again. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got plane plans.

Hello

Can we have, oh nevermind, have a good trip, i'll see you when you get back. If you are even reading this. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got paints.

So now

The lonliness holds onto me, however much I try to let it go, it clings to me, holding me here in the emptiness that has become my cage, I reach for you but the door is closed, I try to open it but it is locked, you have evicted me from your world. Reduced to speaking to these four walls, and one lonely door. There is no escape. The key lies with you. What can I do, but wait for the door to open.

*

Descent. Further attempts to. Bye. Got blah blah.

I don't know

I am fairly certain that I am to blame for our decent into mere polite back and forth banter here and there versus the late night talks and constant communication we were engaged in. It could be this creepy blog, it could be the way I tried to force you to admit to something you didn't want to admit to or even actually feel, it could be numerous other things I do to annoy and push people, or it could be a combination of some or all of these things I suppose. It seems I am well liked by most, but the people I care about and want to like me are the ones I lose altogether. I apologize for ruining the friendship we seemed to be building or whatever you want to label it as. I think today will be the last day for this blog. It was our conversations and your voice and your face that fed them. The desires I have for you aren't gone and the way you used to seek me when I wasn't around is gone. So this now just feeds an empty hole that only gets bigger and succeeds at only pushing us farther apart. I meant what I said and I refuse to take it back. My lack of messages and lack of constant contact attempts since your return is not from a lack of desire but more a want for you to not be annoyed or pressured or whatever to entertain my selfishness. I am always around for you, except when I'm not. I do refuse to do things that will only make me more of a nuisance to you anymore. I missed you everyday, and I miss you now. I'm sorry I ruined whatever it was we were. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got that one thing.

Welcome back

I see you are home. I'm glad you are back safe, I know that sounds weird but I am very weird about people I know going on planes. So I'm just saying, it was nice to see some of your text today. I hope you are feeling well, I'm sure you need some good rest. Just saying hey for now. Not much going on here recently just typical things. Girl formerly known as stalker has become girl formerly known as stalker and now back to being known as such, decided to invite herself here this weekend, and while I thought she was going to make an exit yesterday which she didn't, so I thought okay she is leaving tomorrow, it now appears she isn't. In the middle of the night sometime she went grocery shopping and there seems to be enough groceries to last a week or something. It's very unfortunate. Anyway not trying to sound negative. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got twins.

Hello

I hope all is well with you. I wonder if you've had a good time, how the wedding was, was the weather nice, did you manage to get away to yourself at all. I'm going to keep this short. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got veggies. P.s I hope to see you soon. I haven't played lexulous in a week and I've missed something.

Assuming

Under the assumption that you weren't raptured, I feel like I may be seeing you soon. I'm not holding onto the idea that it will be today or tomorrow, but soon. I hope you enjoyed your trip to some degree at least. Everyone has been talking about the end of the world this week, I have had, well I didn't have to but felt compelled to explain that the rapture isn't the end. I guess no one reads more than the first line of any story they come across. Of course it really isn't interesting anyway just babblings of a deranged fanatic, but it makes sense to know a whole story before you start reranting it to others I think. So I'm sure you look amazing and maybe even a little tanned, I don't really know what the weather was like there though. I'll see you soon. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got energy.

Hey

I am.... Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got wonder.

It's a new day and....

Today is pretty much the same as yesterday, other than the fact that it's warm and sunny outside. It's been pretty boring as of late. I get tired of watching people say they hate each other yet everyday spend countless hours talking to each other. I hope you are enjoying yourself. You aren't missing anything here, unless you miss me then I guess you are missing something. Either way I hope you are enjoying yourself, I miss you. I'll see you later. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got sand.

As it concerns

Well you definitely aren't missing much as far as goings on here. Chat is lame, I can't make any moves in lexulous, my blogs are failing in decency, I seem to have a one track mind. I did go to the movies this weekend with Autumn, she forced me to see total garbage instead of thor in 3d. Thor probably isn't the greatest but it has to be better than what we eventually saw.Anyway I'm sure you look amazing wherever you are. Probably lying on a tropical beach somewhere soaking in the tropical sun, pining away in a heatwave there hoping that I won't be long. I bet you look great in a bikini. Remember your sunscreen. Anyway, take care. Further attempts to....Bye for now. Got lotion.

The day begins again.

I really miss you. I don't know why. I was pretty angry at you for a couple days. But I dream about you. I think about you. I don't understand how I can feel so much and you feel so little. I try and tell myself it's only because you think of it as impossible. But you won't talk to me about it which makes me think I am alone in my feelings. That you don't think about me at all. I know you won't read this for awhile but I really miss our talks, not text talks, the actual conversations, the laughing, the games, the flirting, us. It isn't so much an us to you as it is to me. I've tried and succeeded I think in being less of an annoyance. Still, well, I just wish we could talk again on skype alone enjoying it the way we did. Or at least I did. I want to watch a movie with you, I want to see your face. I want to hear you laugh. Is this really a bad thing for you. No one wants this from me, I wish someone would. Well to be more accurate, I wish you did. I hope your trip is going well. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got someone.

I know this won't reach you

I know you are in some far off place without internet desperately wishing you could read todays. I'm probably right about some of those things. I won't speculate on which ones. It's a pretty nice day here today. I think my other blog for the day was pretty decent today. I actually had something to talk about. Today was Summers big appointment to decide about surgery or not. I have yet to hear anything in regards to how it went. I am assuming they are still in discussion about it. Not much point in making these long or too much since you won't be reading them. I hope you are having a good time. You look amazing. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got pics.

Passing by missing each other

I guess it appears I missed you twice. Once last night and maybe this morning. Although I don't know if you were really on this morning. I just noticed that you made an update, which leads me to believe you had been for at least a second. You didn't respond to my last message though so I guess you were on just in passing or whatever. I would say hope you have a good trip, but it would be repetitive to do so since I've said it 20 times already also useless since you informed me you won't be able to read this while you are gone. Know this when you get back though, right from the day you left, you have been in my thoughts. I'm not going to draw this particular entry out too long since I know you won't see it for awhile. I am looking forward to seeing you upon your return and also hearing about your trip. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got !

Anytime

So I have a little money. I'm going to take the kids out to do something tomorrow. I think to eat and the movies. It may be the last time I can afford to do it before I depart. I have french vanilla cappuchino to start my day today. It tastes wonderful. I hope you take pictures. At least a few. It would be cool to see what it looks like. I guess mostly it will just look like anywhere else. I don't know I'm being weird about YOUR vacation. I'm like yeah it's going to be awesome and I can't wait to see it. I'm not even going. The more I think about it the more I realize it's just an island. But still I guess if it was me going I would be pretty excited. But I would rather go on a vacation type thing, I keep forgetting/overlooking the fact that you have an obligation while you are there. I wouldn't have as much fun if I was supposed to be doing things with people other than the person I went with. Vacations aren't really vacations if you have to do shit. At least not to me. Either way you look amazing and I hope you have a wonderful time. I don't know if you'll be able to read the blogs while you are gone,but I'll be doing them anyway. I'm going to do a poem one of these days. I'll try not to be shitty at it. Thanks for the talk last night. It was nice to laugh with you. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got feta.

13

Today is fine, there is no sun, but I have grown used to it by now. I still like the sun and want it to be around, but I have no way of controlling it, so why worry about it. The weekend begins with me alone with my two teenagers, the rest of the clan has gone away for now. I am looking forward to some quiet when I force the kids to vacate the premises tomorrow. At least for a little while. I look forward to that complete silence in which I can think again. Tonight I will probably partake in some alcoholic beverage of beer most likely. The day with the baby is over half done so I am almost ready to sit and relax the weekend away, other than some cleaning and odd things to do here and there. I hope your trip goes well. I'll see you when you get back. Try and enjoy being someplace new and as of yet not experienced. Bring me back a shirt okay, and I'll have some chili ready for you when you get back. Anyway enjoy yourself. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got suitcases.

Now

Now I am starting to wonder if you are avoiding conversation with me, or just don't even want to talk to me period. I don't understand what I did or why you wouldn't want to. I thought we had great conversations that we both enjoyed and also kept us from being bored. Maybe it's gotten to the point now where I'm only speaking to myself here. You used to message me sometimes, or look for me if I wasn't around. Now it's me trying not to constantly send messages because I think I'm just bothering you. I don't understand what happened. I wasn't asking you to commit to me or change your life. I just enjoy talking to you. I thought I had eased back a little and stopped expressing myself so much. I was trying not to push you to not speaking to me. Is lexulous all you really want to do with me? No talking. Well if I only get to say one thing to you I may as well just say I miss you. I wish you would come back and talk to me. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got paint.

Good

So here I am another day. Not so bright but I'm in good spirits anyway. It doesn't really matter what is going on out there. I have the same things today that I had yesterday and will have tomorrow. The world is just a place I'm stuck in. No matter what the weather, place I live, people I share my time with. It's just a wandering. A long hike. There is only one thing missing in my life. Busy day today, well supposedly, but as of late busy days turn into change of plans and end up me sitting around doing what I do everyday. So I can't rely on those words anymore. It's amazing how the plans change from day to day around here. Especially since they are always so important when first mentioned and then just get pushed aside or tossed all together. Blah, that shit doesn't matter either. I just need to. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got it.

Sun

I see the sun today, it isn't very bright though, it's lost some of it's light. I'm a little old to be so dramatic about everything probably. It doesn't feel like dramaticness though to me. I just say what I feel and think at the times that I think them. Not always though, when I have angry thoughts I tend to push them down and not let my anger control what I am speaking. I always think if you are saying something that is nice it will make people feel good. That doesn't always seem to be the case. I can't help it though. I'm not going to be someone else for anyone. I will continue to say and feel how I do as long as often as I feel motivated to be so. I don't know why people seem to like me. Not really anyway. But I do know that it seems people that know me, do in fact enjoy it. This seems like a positive thing. Having someone around that you like. I don't have many of those. So I like it when I find someone like that. Someone who makes me laugh, makes me think, makes me sort of horny.... I know, what do I mean sort of. Anyway, I'm not really trying to say you should be glad to know me. I'm explaining why I'm glad to know you. You are like a gift. I hope this reaches you with a smile. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got Light.

p.s

I started another game.

What a time

What a day I am having. I guess it was wrong for me to be dependent on friends in this way. We barely knew each other and we don't even live in the same country. Sorry for that. I wasn't exaggerating my feelings towards you, but still the pressure I placed on you was too much I'm sure. Maybe.... I can't say anything else right now. I'll talk to you when you are around. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got her.

In the

So here we are, nowhere. It's not so fun here alone. This is how it goes I guess. Cannot know happiness without knowing sadness. That's probably a taoism quote of some sort but I don't have the patience for quotation marks or to search for it so consider this the acknowledgment of said possible quote. Anyway how does it all go so wrong. Am I my own worst enemy, do I walk without looking where I'm going. Do I even know myself really. If I don't know myself how could anyone else care or care to know me either. The desire is fading, it no longer feels like a release, just a hole I can bury myself in. Forget about others and just think about myself here. One day it'll all be gone. Nothing will be left, and what will there be then. A string of emptiness, just the empty line with no one to remember any of it. That's not what I want. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got nothing.

And

There isn't much to say. If i try and just exit it posts like I wrote something anyway. I wonder what's going on with you. Didn't speak at all today. I am drinking and chatting much as I do every friday. I talked to my brother yesterday and june it is. I shall be going to virginia in june sometime. I'm not going to do my planned hitchike thing. I've lost the desire to do that. I just want to lay down and sleep without thinking. Further attempts to....Bye for now. Got

Missed

I don't know how to say this but as simply as I can think it. I miss you as of late. I wonder if you are making a conscious effort to stay away, or only speak to me in that place. I guess you didn't enjoy my company as much as I made myself believe you did. Aint no sunshine.... It may seem as if I'm directing these questions towards you or saying things in an off tone but I assure you this is me talking to me about you. Well part of it anyway. Obviously the first sentence is directed somewhere other than myself. It's unfortunate that this is where I have to come to talk to you. I guess it's my fault since I pushed you and probably made you uncomfortable and backed you into a decision making necessity which could only end with you backing away from me. Things just don't seem as bright anymore. I wish you would just talk to me again, though I understand on some level why you don't want to. It's not necessary to avoid me in private conversation, in case you think it is. Although maybe it is, depending on how you feel about it. If you don't miss the same thing that I miss I guess you would only see not talking to me privately as a healthy thing. I don't know what you think. Sometimes I think I'm nothing to you, other times I think I am, then still at others I think you are undecided or indifferent. I am here though or there or wherever. All you have to do is talk to me and I'll always answer. Don't feel a need to reply to any of this, or if you do remember this is my head not yours. I'll see you when you are around. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got legs.

So it is

In your words I hear despair, not from you, but my own to bare. I try to keep these shouts inside but suppressing them is like a lie. Enough of the poetry. I thought of a nice long poem last night that started like this, but I was too tired to get up and get back on the computer to write it out. Always when I lay down is when the thoughts run most. Drifting into my head as the day comes to close. I wonder sometimes what it is about you that has me like this, but I know what it is, it's everything. Your face your hair your gaze your stare, your laugh your smile, all the images I keep in mind. The way I have to consistently look up words to know what exactly you are saying. Anyway, there isn't a thing you could do to make me stop thinking these things. You are you and that is why I feel how I do. I do wonder if. You can finish that sentence however you want. If you want. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got thoughts.

As it

So here I am, only me and this text. Also the thought that maybe you'll read this. This place is free of others and allows me to speak my mind as I see fit. It probably seems creepy that I talk to you here, but it can't be truly creepy if i realize it. Also I gave you the link so it isn't as if I'm just writing it in the middle of an endless sea of nothingness that is the internet. This is mainly just a way to release my thoughts and express myself. I can't do that freely anywhere else, at least not in relation to the thoughts I'm trying to express. I think I see something of you that you don't or won't allow yourself to see. In another world we would be.... something. Alas this is all I have. I would say we but I don't know that you will continue reading this after your initial reading, which at this point I can only assume you did anyway. Either way I will say that it's always your option to take our friendship wherever you feel is best. I enjoy our conversations and as far as I could tell you did too. I don't know why you see it as a bad thing or totally pointless. As it stands that seems to be the way you perceive it. I wonder what you really think of me. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got hmm.

Days

When I fall asleep that's when the dream ends. I close my eyes to wake up with you. In that place there is no distance between us. No oceans to cross or perspectives to struggle with. There is only me and you and time. It seems as if it won't end, and then just as it began it does. Suddenly I'm in the dream again and you are gone. That's when the reality sets in. You aren't here and I'm not there. I seek your company and you live without mine. This world is cruel in many ways but none as cruel as this. I would give myself to your presence completely, without pause or notice. In my head I am yours, not to command or control but to experience and enjoy. This may seem extreme to you or even ridiculous, but even in text your words make me. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got you.

Here

Here is where I can talk to you. Here is where I can say I love you without having to hear your rejection. Here is where I can talk of your face and how beautiful you are without having to reveal my thoughts to you. Here is where I can touch you, if only in my head and through text. I like it here. Yet still, I would rather be there.

ahaha

I totally forgot about this blog. I guess it's been almost a year since I've done anything here. Anyway I wonder where you are today and what you may be doing and if you are having fun. Or if you may be thinking about me during any of the various things you do that aren't where I can see you. You would probably tell me to stop thinking these things, but I really don't want to stop. I like thinking about you. Your hair, your face make me smile. I have so few things to smile about I feel, so having this is nice for me. Either way at some point you'll tell me to fuck off or stop reading what I say to you and delete me from your life and I'll do what I always do when I get disappointed. Walk alone and still make it where I'm going. This isn't my first time enjoying someone who doesn't enjoy me the same way. This is just the first time I've dedicated writing to that person. Inspiration or the fact that I can at least feel as if I'm talking to you either way it keeps me somewhat happy thinking you'll read what I write. Bye for now. Got shoes.