I am blank.

I don't know what to do. It's clear that staying here will be hard on me. But I don't know how bad leaving will be for the kids. It could be that I'm having a mild ego moment. I think this is more than me though. I don't pretend to be a great father or know everything about raising kids, but as I come closer to leaving, tension is rising. I don't know why exactly, so I can only place me leaving as the overall cause. Fuck. I hate being a dad sometimes. I love my kids, but decisions are hard to make sometimes. It's a struggle for me to be here, not that it won't be somewhere else also. I hate not having answers to big questions. No one can supply them either. In the end I'll have to make a choice and it will either turn out good or bad for everyone involved. I hate not having anyone to talk to other than these blogs. I don't like laying my shit on others at all really. But sometimes it would be nice to have someone who wants to listen and doesn't mind. Someone who won't necessarily call me a whiner since essentially that is what I'm doing. As I said there is no answer. So whoever I would or could talk to would just have to listen to me basically cry. Anyway fuck it. I don't know what to do or what I am going to do. I feel like I should stay at least until school starts but I'm supposed to be leaving on the 7th of this month. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got wonder

So

It doesn't matter anymore. I'm not going to write these to you anymore. It's useless and a waste of both of our time. Even if you do still read it you don't talk to me about anything I say and it ends up being a one sided conversation that I will never get any answers to. I did something this weekend that makes me feel sick. I can't have what I want so I just had whatever I could get. It's sick and it makes me feel worthless. I sat in a park today for eight hours and thought about nothing but myself. No reflection no meditation just thoughts on me. When am I going to get out of here, when are they going to pick me up. All day long. I'm an asshole. Sorry that I  ended up showing up in your path. It must make you feel shitty knowing that I did and still somewhat am. Further attempts to....Bye for now. Got character.

extra days

No such thing as extra time. I wonder who people are around me that really care about my presence. Sometimes I think not many. When I don't see people I wonder what they are up to or what they are doing. If I can get in touch with them or leave them a message I do that. It's just nice to let people know their existence matters to you I think. Or that their absence is noticed. I wonder why more people don't feel this way about people. I said to someone before I wish someone loved me the way I loved you. Then I saw a familiar type of love and realized that if you don't want the love that a certain person wants to give you it's just like an unwanted job or something similar to that feeling. Just a constant annoyance that you have to deal with. I notice myself doing this to someone and I try I really do try and not be annoying. Still, I desire friendship or the same sort of situation it was before I mentioned the word love and you and I in the same sentence to them. I realize a reluctance to participate in this type of thing. Will my participation seem like a want for that love to continue or something like that. Yes it could be perceived that way. As much as I can say it wouldn't I don't know for sure. I. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got love.

wander

Sometimes I just wander to different chats and places looking for random people to talk to that are cool. Mostly I stay in one chat with the people I know to be. A lot has changed in the room though, many people have gone and some don't come in as regularly. It's a lot like actual real life situations. People come and go always. Some people matter more than others often, which kind of sucks because generally those are the ones that disappear or move on to other things that involve being around or available less. I was just thinking about this now because I saw it mentioned, and I will be moving soon also. Not that I want to not talk to my friends, but I hope that when I move I won't have so much free time to focus on chatting and things on the computer. I am too involved in this life I currently lead. I want things from it that I either cannot have or it will not give me. Such is the way here as in life, but in life it's necessary to put yourself through things. On this box, it's a choice. Like when I, nevermind. I'm going to leave this where it is. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got pause.

Are you out there somewhere

It's another day. It surprises me how much thought I continue to put into what your thoughts about me are. I don't understand why I am so curious as to what you think about me. I mean I've given up on my fantasies about us. Do you realize that I have legitimate reasons to have the feelings I do. Are you trying to stay away from me for me or for you? Or not trying to stay away from me at all but purposely keep me at arms length. What happened to the days when you would say things like " I can't stop looking at your face ". Or okay if you aren't in chat I'll talk to you here or there. Do you recall leaving me the message that said omg where are you, not in chat not in yahoo not in skype, if you log in in the next 5 minutes I'll eat a pickle on cam. How did it become this way after all of that. We had fun, you laughed often and nicely. We could still do these things. I don't have to try and force you into a relationship you don't want. I miss even just the flirtation. Don't you miss any of these things? I do. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got that one thing that made you smile often. No she hates me now.

There is

There is a lot I want to say to you. I feel like it would be pestering or something though. Do you feel like you have to or should keep me at a distance somewhat? You don't have to if you feel like you do based on my feelings. I have given over to the fact that you and me feel differently. My desire to talk to you isn't based on trying to sway your opinion to anything other than how you feel already. I just like talking to you, or did when we actually spoke for more than two sentences here and there. I'm sure there are some people you have an actual conversation with from time to time in which you talk about yourself and what you are thinking. I just wonder how things went so bad in our friendship that we seemed to have. I don't really wonder that much. The words I love you probably did it a good bit of damage. Still, we carried on talking a good bit after that. I thought you enjoyed our conversations and the games and well just hanging out with me, to the degree you could call it hanging out obviously. Do you despise me now? I get the idea that talking to me now even for a few minutes makes you gag or something. You couldn't wait to get away yesterday, and the mention of  " the person I wanted to talk to isn't here " were another good sign that I was one of those people you used to tell me about. The ones you didn't want to be online in facebook for. Which was why you went to skype or at minimum why we talked through just messages often. Have I become one of those people? This seems unhealthy to you I'm sure. The fact that even after you have completely changed the whole scope of our whatever, I am still writing a blog to you. It's not though. I am not holding on to what you think I'm holding on to. No dreams of you changing your mind, or fantasies about meeting. I know you have no intention of doing either and I am fine about that. It would just be nice to talk sometime again like we aren't people who run into each other by accident. We may have just had numerous hours of idle chit chat, but it seemed like we enjoyed it more than that. Maybe I'm wrong. You will never converse with me about this so how can I do anything but continue to wonder. I am not a freak but I am sort of analytical ( it says it isn't a word but it works for me ) which you have to know I am. Anyway talk to me sometime if you don't think of me as a disease. I promise I won't propose to you. Ever. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got carrots.

Has it come to that

Have we gotten to the point where we will only speak in chat? Have I angered you to that point where you won't respond to me anywhere else? These are just questions not accusations or presumptions, it could be that you aren't receiving any of the messages or you are just busy or any number of things. Anyway as always I hope to see you later, I saw you this morning but you did not speak you just left, which contributes to these questions. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got thoughts.

as the time slows

Days seem to be getting shorter and the weeks go by faster. Soon I will be somewhere else again. Yet another transformation of living. I tire of all the moving and yet I do enjoy changing. Sometime maybe I will get a place to keep but still just leave and come back to whenever. I don't need something huge or great, just someplace to come back to. A houseboat would be an awesome house I think. Or a cabin in the mountains or woods somewhere. I'm not picky. Someone to talk to would be welcome but again not completely necessary. People come and go all the time. It's useless to get attached to anyone. This would only serve to let me down in the long run. Which is another reason why a houseboat would be a good idea. Can't really blame anyone but myself if it gets destroyed by the sea and at the same time whenever I leave I can leave knowing it may be gone when I get back. Who likes really being lonely? Not me really, but I've managed to deal with it till now. Depending on people to make it so you can be happy is just lame. It's also greedy and self serving. If you are out there depending on someone for happiness right now, get rid of them. Eliminate them from your life. Friendship is one thing, dependency is another. This is my advice on the subject. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got alienation.

and now, the return

So I sit here today wondering what to write what to say. It seems that all the words have left and I can do repeating themes and old news or just type random words that enter my mind. I don't know what to say anymore. I guess it's a good thing I'm not some sort of actual writer. This would be a dry point if I was. So I'm just going to say I shall be back tomorrow if I have anything to say. I think I made some progress with my son. On that. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got progress.

Into the fog

I think I'm having my mid life crisis now. Not for any particular reason other than the fact I'm feeling self conscious all the time and clinging to people wondering what people think about me. These things I gave up on a long time ago. I haven't felt the need to have people in my life for a long time, but lately it's creeping back in. I don't like it and I don't know why. Why should I care what anyone thinks or whether or not they want to talk to me. If i'm not worth conversation then fuck it. I know who and what I am. Most days it's good enough for me to know myself. I need to get back to everyday being like that. There are dark clouds outside, it looks like rain. I hope it happens it's too fucking hot. I don't know how I'm going to survive virginia when I go back if I am having trouble with the weather here. Fuck I am sick of this crap. Emotions are lame and a flawed function of the human brain. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got sedatives.

Once again

Once again I will sit here to write. My son has been acting as if he doesn't care about anything. He is on probation and pissing dirty and disobeying direct orders from his probation officer pretty much daily. I guess like father like son, but really, my son is smarter than I was. I am at a loss for understanding what his thought process is regarding these issues. I ask him if he is angry about something, or if he has some sort of problem he's dealing with, he just refuses to talk about it if there is something mostly he just denies there is any sort of problem. I know he is 15 and kids will be kids, but he is too smart to act like this. Obviously something is bothering him. I have no idea how to coax it out of him or get him to talk. Day after day I just sit and randomly try and explain to him how hard he is making it on himself. I don't know it makes me sort of sad. Watching him do this to himself, his mom, even his grandma (my mom) who went through all this once already with me when I was his age. Almost the exact same problems. I was 15 on probation and smoking weed and disobeying my probation officer. He knows some of this but it's really sort of uncanny how similar his situation is to what mine was at the exact same age. I was doing more drugs and my dad wasn't around much at all but those are about the only differences. Is it something I am doing or not doing. I don't know. Maybe he is still angry at me because I was gone for four years. Maybe he is angry because he doesn't have a girlfriend. Maybe he feels like his life is complete shit. I hope to figure out whatever it is and I hope to figure it out soon. I feel like using. I thought to be over it but I guess whenever I feel too happy or too sad this will always be something I will have to deal with. Further attempts to. Bye for now. Got answers.

I don't have anything to do

I don't know. I'm pretty bored and chat is boring and I'm sitting here thinking what can I do. Luckily I have this blog that no one reads so I can just babble here and not offend anyone or bore anyone, and if anyone happens upon it well they, you, can just stop reading. Leave a comment or something direct me to something you have to say or something you write for creative purposes. Give me something that will inspire me. I had inspiration once. I don't know what happened to it. It has flowed away like the last bit of ice on lake michigan once the spring arrives, which isn't really like a spring arrival. Spring here lasts for a week before it's just hot. It's winter summer here. A week or two of fall and a week or two of spring. Anyway, someone somewhere come inspire me. Give me something to think about give me something to write about give me something to feel something about. Take this emptiness and put something in it's place. Fill my thoughts with your words. I see people everyday chatting and talking and wasting so many thoughts on nothing. I know people that have such great thoughts sometimes, people that are so intelligent it makes me sick and yet they are inspired to do nothing with it. Money is the eventual goal, and while I can appreciate the practicality of that. I want to help people I know, I want to inspire them to think and be creative and write and do whatever. We are all entertainers, and visionaries and creators, we just need to take a few minutes and do it. Not for ourselves but for someone else. Inspiration can be contagious. I wish everyone would realize this. If you read this comment for me. If you find it annoying tell me, if you find inspiration to write that I'm a moron do it. If you have any sort of reaction to anything I have written tell me. It feeds me. I need help. DO YOU HAVE TIME TO HELP SOMEONE WHO IS ASKING FOR IT. I'm not asking for your money or anything, I just want your words. If you've taken the time to read this, surely you can take a few more moments to help me Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got what.

Come my lady

Once I looked outside and I saw the moon and I thought, the one, she is out there looking at the same moon. Somewhere out there. Or maybe she is sleeping and doesn't see anything like I see. Maybe she is dreaming of me or thinking about me somewhere. Or maybe she doesn't know I exist at all. Maybe there is no one. I don't know. I think I know things sometimes and it's usually when you are certain that you know something when you find out you don't know it at all and you aren't right about anything you think regarding the knowing of the particular thing. I know this, I will never not say how I feel for fear of rejection or ridicule. Tomorrow is there but  so what. Why wait to express yourself. Why worry about impossibilities or unlikely things. If it's something you feel none of that matters. Why keep something in if the expression of it could possibly make someone else happy. If I couldn't make people smile or laugh my life would be useless and meaningless. If the fact that I love someone means nothing to them that is of no matter, it means something to me. And regardless as to how it's received it should be stated. There is no time for tomorrow when today is right here in front of us. I love you, I cannot keep this to myself. Seeing you makes me happy. Even if it's only text. This probably just makes you roll your eyes and shrug. That is of no matter to me. What matters to me is letting you know that I love you. I thought maybe it was just a lust thing or something I was just enjoying while it was there, but going with out it made me want it more. Now that I've seen you again. I am holding myself back and keeping myself from being annoying, because I know that's what you want. And me not being in your face constantly bugging you makes you happier about it. I am whatever you want me to be. As much or as little. Not because I want to be a puppet. It's because I know that makes you feel more comfortable. It's a sign of selflessness, not an attempt to impress. Although love is full of greed anyway, it's also full of giving and compassion and caring and feeling. I just wanted to say again that my love isn't a myth or lust. It's real, and it's for you and yours if you ever desire it. I see you, and I love you. I would give everything to rub my hand along your hair and down your back once. Someone out there is lucky. I want to be me but I would give myself over to be him for one day with you. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got touch.

And

It's been a good week. Son breaks into the landlords house, then tests positive for benzos and weed for his po, then I lose fifty bucks at the bar. All this after the great couple weeks with the stalker around and her mental breakdown. Bleh. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got words.

Is it possible

For one person to feel something and the other feel nothing. I tend to have to go by my logic that it isn't. So that being said maybe i've just wanted this to be something more than what it was. I still don't completely agree with that but I have no choice but to give in. I wold rather know her and be able to talk to her than be eliminated by her all together. I hope someday she will have a real conversation with me that is civil and she will let me ask questions that she will answer honsetly regardless as to how she thinks I'll feel about them. I still dream of her and I still think about her, and I still _____.  Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got questions.

Here it is

So this is normally focused on a woman, but today I need to get stuff out that I don't feel comfortable doing on my other blog. Yesterday my son ( 15 ) tested positive for weed and benzos. The weed is something we already knew about, well we had hoped he had stopped since he is on probation and taking tests regularly. He has also broken in to our landlords office this past week, which means he's having some sort of self destruction period. I am at a loss as to what to say what to do about any of this. I went through all of this at his age, not quite the same things but close enough for it to be very similar. I've tried to be laid back as a parent, allow all sort of leeway and freedom. My parents were the opposite and I ended up doing shitty. So I think the other way will work better, it does for the oldest but the boy just keeps fucking it all up. I'm stopping now because my head is too muffled to keep going. If any one who may read this has any comments or input I would welcome it. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got one.

hello

Back from my day off. Not a great day so I'll keep it short and to the point. Kids sometimes suck. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got stress.