there

There is not one person who truly gives a fuck. Not one. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got someone.

How do you turn to poetry

 the pain is endless, the excitement is enticing, the suspense is agonizing. the touch is everything, her words are. what is left to be said. i wait for her. everything else pauses. her presence is gravity. this could be a good thing.
yet, this love is as death.   further attempts to.... Bye for now. got it

believe

I don't believe in love today. It's just a constant walk into dead end walls like in a maze. This maze has no way out though. Always looking for it. Sometimes you walk longer before you hit the wall, but, the wall is always there. It always comes. Always just around the next corner. Do the wrong thing (make the wrong turn) and you hit it. I hate love. I hate chasing it. I hate wanting it. I hate not having it or being able to find it. Maybe I'm not as good of a person as I think I am. Maybe that's why I don't have anyone to watch movies with, play scrabble with, laugh with, hold, talk to. Someone out there wants me. But I'm not in love with them. I hate that I'm not in love with the one person that seems to want me. I hate that I fall in love with people that don't want me. I hate that I can't touch her, hold her, kiss her, laugh in the same room as her. Love. It's fucking great. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got ^.

When will you come for me

You will wait. You will wait till I have no desire to see you at all. You will wait till I am so far away from a fall. You will wait till my smile is on and on. You will wait till I hear no more sad songs. You will wait till I'm content. You will wait till I'm fine. You will wait for the moment, when I am pleasantly blind. Oblivious to your presence. No clue that you're near. You will creep up and grab me and I won't even hear. I seek you now and you're so far away. I'd probably survive if you were a game that I played. You play this game with everyone everyday, so people give up and go there own way, but that's when you want them that's when you stay. You will claim me, when I finally see, you will come claim me, when I am happy I'm me. I know your game and I know how you play. I know how to cheat you, but I'm too scared to. It would be easy if I could just find my old friend. But where I am now he's just as elusive as you. I know I'll forget you tomorrow and feel fine again. Perhaps that's when you'll find me and declare my games over the end. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got breath.

see

It's weird how we don't talk at all anymore. You never say hi, look at me. No communication at all. I find myself starting games just to know that you still acknowledge my existence in some way. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got feet.

Fuck it

I guess some people don't care that others actually enjoy their company, they have so many people out there that it doesn't matter if someone wants to talk to them or not. They can just find someone else. So many people lining up and so it doesn't matter about this one pitiful no one who once declared love for them. So fuck me, for being me. I tried to back off thinking that was it, I've tried to just exist barely but that didn't help either. So now the only conclusion I can come to is that I never was anything to you at all. Just someone to worship you from afar, an ego boost. Someone to pass your time in boredom. Well whatever, I'm glad I served your purpose till it suited you to dismiss me like the overflowing garbage can. We could have still been friends. I never expected it to go beyond where it went anyway. You confused my feeling with dreams of actual aspirations. I never expected you to come here, and I can't even get in there. All I ever wanted from you was an acknowledgment that I mattered to you in some way. I guess you've proven that I don't. Thanks. I appreciate the fact that I am nothing to you. Now you can relax knowing that I know. Not that it appeared to affect your life in anyway. You never seem anything but relaxed. Whatever, thanks for throwing me away, and never saying anything that might me feel like I was an actual person to you. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got nothing as usual

Y

Why do you hate me now? Why have we become such strangers, with only awkward feeling conversation? It seemed we were more than old high school friends talking occasionally. Now that is all it seems we are. I wish I knew why. I don't seek to make you feel something you don't, I don't seek to make you anything. I just wish I knew why I no longer matter to you. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got answers

warrants

Sometimes things warrant attention. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got muffins

I can't stop

Why do I fucking feel this shit?. What is the fucking point of any of this?. I can't stop crying, and I can't think of a good fucking reason for me to cry at all. What the fuck is wrong with me?. I hate myself for feeling anything at all. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got reasons

I forget what to remember

I am really tired. I've been up for about two days. I have an incredible tooth pain that is throbbing the whole right side of my face. I don't like it. I am not on friendly terms with it at all. It is angering me. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got dentistry. I miss seeing you around sometimes. I wonder why you don't look at me anymore also. I miss seeing your face also. Eh. See you one day.

y

I don't know what to say about my thoughts. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got ____ sight.

it is upon me

The day is drawing near. It seems like forever I've been waiting for it. Now I am somewhat reluctant to just run off and do it, but I realize that it is something I must do. I can't maintain this mask of happiness and continue to live like this life is okay. I need to go and be something else for awhile. Changing isn't always easy, but I do it fairly well. I am good at adaption and change. As long as I keep myself I am fine with whatever becomes. Three days and I will become something new again. Maybe it is in an old place, but it is something new all the same. I will no longer be here in this decaying place of the waiting to die. This place is a retirement function, a place where people go to be content and fade into the ending. This is not for me. I am ready to live again. Friday I will become again. I will no longer be strapped to this meaningless existence and held by these chains. I have already became what I will become. It's starts in here with my thoughts and then expands into the outside reality that is our lives. You can't be anything if you don't do anything. Do the words. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got life.

Its

Five days to go till the move if I don't change my mind. I am ready to go but I don't really want to stay with my brothers kid. I will probably go but its not ideal to me that his son has just moved in. Laying in the sun is ridiculous if you are alone. I don't understand how people do it. Also it felt like it was cooking me. Tomorrow I will go swimming somewhere and play basketball, that will get me a tan and actually not bore me. It's too bad I don't have 11 people or so and a soccer ball. It would be nice to enjoy a game of soccer since there is no world cup tomorrow. I can't be happy about their schedule either way. It angers me that they only play two games a day, but then it angers me because it's over so quick. Luckily there is the internet and soccer is always going on somewhere. What happens when an elephant takes acid? I never wondered that at all till I saw that it was the name of a book. I think it would be cruel to ingest animals with acid. At least with human beings (with all their mental faculties in good shape) they can deduce that they have taken drugs. I like cake. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got cake.

When the sun shines

I feel better on days when the sun is out. It's gloomy today. No rain but no sun either. I am thinking it's going to be a drinking day. I haven't drank really in a few weeks. I've felt better but not like i was quitting something, just not doing it. I haven't heard from her in awhile and we have stopped playing games it seems. I guess it's safe to say I was completely wrong about her views towards me in general. It happens I am often wrong. More wronger than righter probably, though that's hard for anyone to get me to admit. I am good at arguing when I get the urge or desire to do so. So it's not often that I will concede to someone elses view or point. Even now I am not conceding to anyone other than my own head. I can admit to myself that I am wrong a lot easier than I will admit to someone else that I am. Oh well fuck it. It doesn't matter. I am good at being a dick after I get to know someone so that is probably exactly what happened in this case. I know it is at least on a couple of occasions. But I am also good at backing off, which I think I have done pretty good in this situation as well. I would assume that if she wanted to talk to me at all she would message me or start a game. She hasn't so I haven't. Anyway, I am just babbling, trying to fill this screen with words and make this at least something worth posting. In any case it won't be, but still more is better than less, and since my main goal is to waste peoples time with this, if anyone reads it my goal will be accomplished. Soon I will have things truly worthy of sharing, till those words come, reading this will be hit and miss and more than likely miss. Further attempts to waste your time to come. Bye for now. Got minutes.

I am blank.

I don't know what to do. It's clear that staying here will be hard on me. But I don't know how bad leaving will be for the kids. It could be that I'm having a mild ego moment. I think this is more than me though. I don't pretend to be a great father or know everything about raising kids, but as I come closer to leaving, tension is rising. I don't know why exactly, so I can only place me leaving as the overall cause. Fuck. I hate being a dad sometimes. I love my kids, but decisions are hard to make sometimes. It's a struggle for me to be here, not that it won't be somewhere else also. I hate not having answers to big questions. No one can supply them either. In the end I'll have to make a choice and it will either turn out good or bad for everyone involved. I hate not having anyone to talk to other than these blogs. I don't like laying my shit on others at all really. But sometimes it would be nice to have someone who wants to listen and doesn't mind. Someone who won't necessarily call me a whiner since essentially that is what I'm doing. As I said there is no answer. So whoever I would or could talk to would just have to listen to me basically cry. Anyway fuck it. I don't know what to do or what I am going to do. I feel like I should stay at least until school starts but I'm supposed to be leaving on the 7th of this month. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got wonder

So

It doesn't matter anymore. I'm not going to write these to you anymore. It's useless and a waste of both of our time. Even if you do still read it you don't talk to me about anything I say and it ends up being a one sided conversation that I will never get any answers to. I did something this weekend that makes me feel sick. I can't have what I want so I just had whatever I could get. It's sick and it makes me feel worthless. I sat in a park today for eight hours and thought about nothing but myself. No reflection no meditation just thoughts on me. When am I going to get out of here, when are they going to pick me up. All day long. I'm an asshole. Sorry that I  ended up showing up in your path. It must make you feel shitty knowing that I did and still somewhat am. Further attempts to....Bye for now. Got character.

extra days

No such thing as extra time. I wonder who people are around me that really care about my presence. Sometimes I think not many. When I don't see people I wonder what they are up to or what they are doing. If I can get in touch with them or leave them a message I do that. It's just nice to let people know their existence matters to you I think. Or that their absence is noticed. I wonder why more people don't feel this way about people. I said to someone before I wish someone loved me the way I loved you. Then I saw a familiar type of love and realized that if you don't want the love that a certain person wants to give you it's just like an unwanted job or something similar to that feeling. Just a constant annoyance that you have to deal with. I notice myself doing this to someone and I try I really do try and not be annoying. Still, I desire friendship or the same sort of situation it was before I mentioned the word love and you and I in the same sentence to them. I realize a reluctance to participate in this type of thing. Will my participation seem like a want for that love to continue or something like that. Yes it could be perceived that way. As much as I can say it wouldn't I don't know for sure. I. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got love.

wander

Sometimes I just wander to different chats and places looking for random people to talk to that are cool. Mostly I stay in one chat with the people I know to be. A lot has changed in the room though, many people have gone and some don't come in as regularly. It's a lot like actual real life situations. People come and go always. Some people matter more than others often, which kind of sucks because generally those are the ones that disappear or move on to other things that involve being around or available less. I was just thinking about this now because I saw it mentioned, and I will be moving soon also. Not that I want to not talk to my friends, but I hope that when I move I won't have so much free time to focus on chatting and things on the computer. I am too involved in this life I currently lead. I want things from it that I either cannot have or it will not give me. Such is the way here as in life, but in life it's necessary to put yourself through things. On this box, it's a choice. Like when I, nevermind. I'm going to leave this where it is. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got pause.

Are you out there somewhere

It's another day. It surprises me how much thought I continue to put into what your thoughts about me are. I don't understand why I am so curious as to what you think about me. I mean I've given up on my fantasies about us. Do you realize that I have legitimate reasons to have the feelings I do. Are you trying to stay away from me for me or for you? Or not trying to stay away from me at all but purposely keep me at arms length. What happened to the days when you would say things like " I can't stop looking at your face ". Or okay if you aren't in chat I'll talk to you here or there. Do you recall leaving me the message that said omg where are you, not in chat not in yahoo not in skype, if you log in in the next 5 minutes I'll eat a pickle on cam. How did it become this way after all of that. We had fun, you laughed often and nicely. We could still do these things. I don't have to try and force you into a relationship you don't want. I miss even just the flirtation. Don't you miss any of these things? I do. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got that one thing that made you smile often. No she hates me now.

There is

There is a lot I want to say to you. I feel like it would be pestering or something though. Do you feel like you have to or should keep me at a distance somewhat? You don't have to if you feel like you do based on my feelings. I have given over to the fact that you and me feel differently. My desire to talk to you isn't based on trying to sway your opinion to anything other than how you feel already. I just like talking to you, or did when we actually spoke for more than two sentences here and there. I'm sure there are some people you have an actual conversation with from time to time in which you talk about yourself and what you are thinking. I just wonder how things went so bad in our friendship that we seemed to have. I don't really wonder that much. The words I love you probably did it a good bit of damage. Still, we carried on talking a good bit after that. I thought you enjoyed our conversations and the games and well just hanging out with me, to the degree you could call it hanging out obviously. Do you despise me now? I get the idea that talking to me now even for a few minutes makes you gag or something. You couldn't wait to get away yesterday, and the mention of  " the person I wanted to talk to isn't here " were another good sign that I was one of those people you used to tell me about. The ones you didn't want to be online in facebook for. Which was why you went to skype or at minimum why we talked through just messages often. Have I become one of those people? This seems unhealthy to you I'm sure. The fact that even after you have completely changed the whole scope of our whatever, I am still writing a blog to you. It's not though. I am not holding on to what you think I'm holding on to. No dreams of you changing your mind, or fantasies about meeting. I know you have no intention of doing either and I am fine about that. It would just be nice to talk sometime again like we aren't people who run into each other by accident. We may have just had numerous hours of idle chit chat, but it seemed like we enjoyed it more than that. Maybe I'm wrong. You will never converse with me about this so how can I do anything but continue to wonder. I am not a freak but I am sort of analytical ( it says it isn't a word but it works for me ) which you have to know I am. Anyway talk to me sometime if you don't think of me as a disease. I promise I won't propose to you. Ever. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got carrots.

Has it come to that

Have we gotten to the point where we will only speak in chat? Have I angered you to that point where you won't respond to me anywhere else? These are just questions not accusations or presumptions, it could be that you aren't receiving any of the messages or you are just busy or any number of things. Anyway as always I hope to see you later, I saw you this morning but you did not speak you just left, which contributes to these questions. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got thoughts.

as the time slows

Days seem to be getting shorter and the weeks go by faster. Soon I will be somewhere else again. Yet another transformation of living. I tire of all the moving and yet I do enjoy changing. Sometime maybe I will get a place to keep but still just leave and come back to whenever. I don't need something huge or great, just someplace to come back to. A houseboat would be an awesome house I think. Or a cabin in the mountains or woods somewhere. I'm not picky. Someone to talk to would be welcome but again not completely necessary. People come and go all the time. It's useless to get attached to anyone. This would only serve to let me down in the long run. Which is another reason why a houseboat would be a good idea. Can't really blame anyone but myself if it gets destroyed by the sea and at the same time whenever I leave I can leave knowing it may be gone when I get back. Who likes really being lonely? Not me really, but I've managed to deal with it till now. Depending on people to make it so you can be happy is just lame. It's also greedy and self serving. If you are out there depending on someone for happiness right now, get rid of them. Eliminate them from your life. Friendship is one thing, dependency is another. This is my advice on the subject. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got alienation.

and now, the return

So I sit here today wondering what to write what to say. It seems that all the words have left and I can do repeating themes and old news or just type random words that enter my mind. I don't know what to say anymore. I guess it's a good thing I'm not some sort of actual writer. This would be a dry point if I was. So I'm just going to say I shall be back tomorrow if I have anything to say. I think I made some progress with my son. On that. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got progress.

Into the fog

I think I'm having my mid life crisis now. Not for any particular reason other than the fact I'm feeling self conscious all the time and clinging to people wondering what people think about me. These things I gave up on a long time ago. I haven't felt the need to have people in my life for a long time, but lately it's creeping back in. I don't like it and I don't know why. Why should I care what anyone thinks or whether or not they want to talk to me. If i'm not worth conversation then fuck it. I know who and what I am. Most days it's good enough for me to know myself. I need to get back to everyday being like that. There are dark clouds outside, it looks like rain. I hope it happens it's too fucking hot. I don't know how I'm going to survive virginia when I go back if I am having trouble with the weather here. Fuck I am sick of this crap. Emotions are lame and a flawed function of the human brain. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got sedatives.

Once again

Once again I will sit here to write. My son has been acting as if he doesn't care about anything. He is on probation and pissing dirty and disobeying direct orders from his probation officer pretty much daily. I guess like father like son, but really, my son is smarter than I was. I am at a loss for understanding what his thought process is regarding these issues. I ask him if he is angry about something, or if he has some sort of problem he's dealing with, he just refuses to talk about it if there is something mostly he just denies there is any sort of problem. I know he is 15 and kids will be kids, but he is too smart to act like this. Obviously something is bothering him. I have no idea how to coax it out of him or get him to talk. Day after day I just sit and randomly try and explain to him how hard he is making it on himself. I don't know it makes me sort of sad. Watching him do this to himself, his mom, even his grandma (my mom) who went through all this once already with me when I was his age. Almost the exact same problems. I was 15 on probation and smoking weed and disobeying my probation officer. He knows some of this but it's really sort of uncanny how similar his situation is to what mine was at the exact same age. I was doing more drugs and my dad wasn't around much at all but those are about the only differences. Is it something I am doing or not doing. I don't know. Maybe he is still angry at me because I was gone for four years. Maybe he is angry because he doesn't have a girlfriend. Maybe he feels like his life is complete shit. I hope to figure out whatever it is and I hope to figure it out soon. I feel like using. I thought to be over it but I guess whenever I feel too happy or too sad this will always be something I will have to deal with. Further attempts to. Bye for now. Got answers.

I don't have anything to do

I don't know. I'm pretty bored and chat is boring and I'm sitting here thinking what can I do. Luckily I have this blog that no one reads so I can just babble here and not offend anyone or bore anyone, and if anyone happens upon it well they, you, can just stop reading. Leave a comment or something direct me to something you have to say or something you write for creative purposes. Give me something that will inspire me. I had inspiration once. I don't know what happened to it. It has flowed away like the last bit of ice on lake michigan once the spring arrives, which isn't really like a spring arrival. Spring here lasts for a week before it's just hot. It's winter summer here. A week or two of fall and a week or two of spring. Anyway, someone somewhere come inspire me. Give me something to think about give me something to write about give me something to feel something about. Take this emptiness and put something in it's place. Fill my thoughts with your words. I see people everyday chatting and talking and wasting so many thoughts on nothing. I know people that have such great thoughts sometimes, people that are so intelligent it makes me sick and yet they are inspired to do nothing with it. Money is the eventual goal, and while I can appreciate the practicality of that. I want to help people I know, I want to inspire them to think and be creative and write and do whatever. We are all entertainers, and visionaries and creators, we just need to take a few minutes and do it. Not for ourselves but for someone else. Inspiration can be contagious. I wish everyone would realize this. If you read this comment for me. If you find it annoying tell me, if you find inspiration to write that I'm a moron do it. If you have any sort of reaction to anything I have written tell me. It feeds me. I need help. DO YOU HAVE TIME TO HELP SOMEONE WHO IS ASKING FOR IT. I'm not asking for your money or anything, I just want your words. If you've taken the time to read this, surely you can take a few more moments to help me Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got what.

Come my lady

Once I looked outside and I saw the moon and I thought, the one, she is out there looking at the same moon. Somewhere out there. Or maybe she is sleeping and doesn't see anything like I see. Maybe she is dreaming of me or thinking about me somewhere. Or maybe she doesn't know I exist at all. Maybe there is no one. I don't know. I think I know things sometimes and it's usually when you are certain that you know something when you find out you don't know it at all and you aren't right about anything you think regarding the knowing of the particular thing. I know this, I will never not say how I feel for fear of rejection or ridicule. Tomorrow is there but  so what. Why wait to express yourself. Why worry about impossibilities or unlikely things. If it's something you feel none of that matters. Why keep something in if the expression of it could possibly make someone else happy. If I couldn't make people smile or laugh my life would be useless and meaningless. If the fact that I love someone means nothing to them that is of no matter, it means something to me. And regardless as to how it's received it should be stated. There is no time for tomorrow when today is right here in front of us. I love you, I cannot keep this to myself. Seeing you makes me happy. Even if it's only text. This probably just makes you roll your eyes and shrug. That is of no matter to me. What matters to me is letting you know that I love you. I thought maybe it was just a lust thing or something I was just enjoying while it was there, but going with out it made me want it more. Now that I've seen you again. I am holding myself back and keeping myself from being annoying, because I know that's what you want. And me not being in your face constantly bugging you makes you happier about it. I am whatever you want me to be. As much or as little. Not because I want to be a puppet. It's because I know that makes you feel more comfortable. It's a sign of selflessness, not an attempt to impress. Although love is full of greed anyway, it's also full of giving and compassion and caring and feeling. I just wanted to say again that my love isn't a myth or lust. It's real, and it's for you and yours if you ever desire it. I see you, and I love you. I would give everything to rub my hand along your hair and down your back once. Someone out there is lucky. I want to be me but I would give myself over to be him for one day with you. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got touch.

And

It's been a good week. Son breaks into the landlords house, then tests positive for benzos and weed for his po, then I lose fifty bucks at the bar. All this after the great couple weeks with the stalker around and her mental breakdown. Bleh. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got words.

Is it possible

For one person to feel something and the other feel nothing. I tend to have to go by my logic that it isn't. So that being said maybe i've just wanted this to be something more than what it was. I still don't completely agree with that but I have no choice but to give in. I wold rather know her and be able to talk to her than be eliminated by her all together. I hope someday she will have a real conversation with me that is civil and she will let me ask questions that she will answer honsetly regardless as to how she thinks I'll feel about them. I still dream of her and I still think about her, and I still _____.  Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got questions.

Here it is

So this is normally focused on a woman, but today I need to get stuff out that I don't feel comfortable doing on my other blog. Yesterday my son ( 15 ) tested positive for weed and benzos. The weed is something we already knew about, well we had hoped he had stopped since he is on probation and taking tests regularly. He has also broken in to our landlords office this past week, which means he's having some sort of self destruction period. I am at a loss as to what to say what to do about any of this. I went through all of this at his age, not quite the same things but close enough for it to be very similar. I've tried to be laid back as a parent, allow all sort of leeway and freedom. My parents were the opposite and I ended up doing shitty. So I think the other way will work better, it does for the oldest but the boy just keeps fucking it all up. I'm stopping now because my head is too muffled to keep going. If any one who may read this has any comments or input I would welcome it. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got one.

hello

Back from my day off. Not a great day so I'll keep it short and to the point. Kids sometimes suck. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got stress.

B

Still waiting. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got forgiveness

Oh

Today started too early. I was not prepared to get started when the day began. Woken up to go do shit on a boat we couldn't even get done. It's just a lame day. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got

A

Nothing is the same, forever changed, forever dark, forever grey, forever lost in my lonesome embrace. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got stars.

The

I don't really have anything to say. I hope whoever may read this that you are well and all is good. Maybe something will happen today that will give me something to say tomorrow. Further attempts to....Bye for now. Got a friend. I wish I was _____.

4merly

I wonder what today will be. It will probably be mostly the same as yesterday, with different streams of conversation, and slightly different walking patterns from here to the coffee maker and outside for cigarettes. Overall it will be the same as everyday. I wonder if I would be the same if I had money to do whatever I wanted. Would I sit here waiting for sentences or responses, or would I be out fighting politicians and their evil ways. Perhaps neither, maybe somewhere in between. Maybe jumping out of airplanes or climbing mountains, or playing music somewhere on a beach in another place with someone who enjoys my company. Maybe none of these. Maybe I would just build a cabin in the middle of nowhere and just read and plotting a world wide anti government revolution. Well anti typical governments we have now. Who knows, maybe if I could promise it all to the one, maybe she would accept me and then I could be happy. Probably not, the particular one I speak of wouldn't want someone just because they had everything. So, that is a useless thought. Merely filler in a paragraph I have no real design on. Just more words to add to a limited thought I had before I started this. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got grey.

One word

Hi. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got to.

Okay

I lied, I'm going to keep doing it because I like talking to you and anyone else who may happen to read this. If this is the only place I can speak to you the way I want then I will continue to use it as my outlet. I wish I wouldn't have fucked shit up so bad between us. I wish I could say I don't know what happened, but I know what I did. I pushed you too much, it's like you told me the one time, why can't I just be happy with the way things are, and I thought I had eased back a little, but apparently the damage was already to severe and done, since it hasn't been the same since then. Anyway sailing is canceled for this weekend and you are gone again. You don't appear to be speaking to me at all anymore. At least you aren't responding to my messages and you didn't speak to me at all the last time I saw you. Oh well. I'm sorry for whatever. I hope you have a good trip and I hope maybe sometime you'll enjoy my company again. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got plane plans.

Hello

Can we have, oh nevermind, have a good trip, i'll see you when you get back. If you are even reading this. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got paints.

So now

The lonliness holds onto me, however much I try to let it go, it clings to me, holding me here in the emptiness that has become my cage, I reach for you but the door is closed, I try to open it but it is locked, you have evicted me from your world. Reduced to speaking to these four walls, and one lonely door. There is no escape. The key lies with you. What can I do, but wait for the door to open.

*

Descent. Further attempts to. Bye. Got blah blah.

I don't know

I am fairly certain that I am to blame for our decent into mere polite back and forth banter here and there versus the late night talks and constant communication we were engaged in. It could be this creepy blog, it could be the way I tried to force you to admit to something you didn't want to admit to or even actually feel, it could be numerous other things I do to annoy and push people, or it could be a combination of some or all of these things I suppose. It seems I am well liked by most, but the people I care about and want to like me are the ones I lose altogether. I apologize for ruining the friendship we seemed to be building or whatever you want to label it as. I think today will be the last day for this blog. It was our conversations and your voice and your face that fed them. The desires I have for you aren't gone and the way you used to seek me when I wasn't around is gone. So this now just feeds an empty hole that only gets bigger and succeeds at only pushing us farther apart. I meant what I said and I refuse to take it back. My lack of messages and lack of constant contact attempts since your return is not from a lack of desire but more a want for you to not be annoyed or pressured or whatever to entertain my selfishness. I am always around for you, except when I'm not. I do refuse to do things that will only make me more of a nuisance to you anymore. I missed you everyday, and I miss you now. I'm sorry I ruined whatever it was we were. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got that one thing.

Welcome back

I see you are home. I'm glad you are back safe, I know that sounds weird but I am very weird about people I know going on planes. So I'm just saying, it was nice to see some of your text today. I hope you are feeling well, I'm sure you need some good rest. Just saying hey for now. Not much going on here recently just typical things. Girl formerly known as stalker has become girl formerly known as stalker and now back to being known as such, decided to invite herself here this weekend, and while I thought she was going to make an exit yesterday which she didn't, so I thought okay she is leaving tomorrow, it now appears she isn't. In the middle of the night sometime she went grocery shopping and there seems to be enough groceries to last a week or something. It's very unfortunate. Anyway not trying to sound negative. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got twins.

Hello

I hope all is well with you. I wonder if you've had a good time, how the wedding was, was the weather nice, did you manage to get away to yourself at all. I'm going to keep this short. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got veggies. P.s I hope to see you soon. I haven't played lexulous in a week and I've missed something.

Assuming

Under the assumption that you weren't raptured, I feel like I may be seeing you soon. I'm not holding onto the idea that it will be today or tomorrow, but soon. I hope you enjoyed your trip to some degree at least. Everyone has been talking about the end of the world this week, I have had, well I didn't have to but felt compelled to explain that the rapture isn't the end. I guess no one reads more than the first line of any story they come across. Of course it really isn't interesting anyway just babblings of a deranged fanatic, but it makes sense to know a whole story before you start reranting it to others I think. So I'm sure you look amazing and maybe even a little tanned, I don't really know what the weather was like there though. I'll see you soon. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got energy.

Hey

I am.... Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got wonder.

It's a new day and....

Today is pretty much the same as yesterday, other than the fact that it's warm and sunny outside. It's been pretty boring as of late. I get tired of watching people say they hate each other yet everyday spend countless hours talking to each other. I hope you are enjoying yourself. You aren't missing anything here, unless you miss me then I guess you are missing something. Either way I hope you are enjoying yourself, I miss you. I'll see you later. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got sand.

As it concerns

Well you definitely aren't missing much as far as goings on here. Chat is lame, I can't make any moves in lexulous, my blogs are failing in decency, I seem to have a one track mind. I did go to the movies this weekend with Autumn, she forced me to see total garbage instead of thor in 3d. Thor probably isn't the greatest but it has to be better than what we eventually saw.Anyway I'm sure you look amazing wherever you are. Probably lying on a tropical beach somewhere soaking in the tropical sun, pining away in a heatwave there hoping that I won't be long. I bet you look great in a bikini. Remember your sunscreen. Anyway, take care. Further attempts to....Bye for now. Got lotion.

The day begins again.

I really miss you. I don't know why. I was pretty angry at you for a couple days. But I dream about you. I think about you. I don't understand how I can feel so much and you feel so little. I try and tell myself it's only because you think of it as impossible. But you won't talk to me about it which makes me think I am alone in my feelings. That you don't think about me at all. I know you won't read this for awhile but I really miss our talks, not text talks, the actual conversations, the laughing, the games, the flirting, us. It isn't so much an us to you as it is to me. I've tried and succeeded I think in being less of an annoyance. Still, well, I just wish we could talk again on skype alone enjoying it the way we did. Or at least I did. I want to watch a movie with you, I want to see your face. I want to hear you laugh. Is this really a bad thing for you. No one wants this from me, I wish someone would. Well to be more accurate, I wish you did. I hope your trip is going well. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got someone.

I know this won't reach you

I know you are in some far off place without internet desperately wishing you could read todays. I'm probably right about some of those things. I won't speculate on which ones. It's a pretty nice day here today. I think my other blog for the day was pretty decent today. I actually had something to talk about. Today was Summers big appointment to decide about surgery or not. I have yet to hear anything in regards to how it went. I am assuming they are still in discussion about it. Not much point in making these long or too much since you won't be reading them. I hope you are having a good time. You look amazing. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got pics.

Passing by missing each other

I guess it appears I missed you twice. Once last night and maybe this morning. Although I don't know if you were really on this morning. I just noticed that you made an update, which leads me to believe you had been for at least a second. You didn't respond to my last message though so I guess you were on just in passing or whatever. I would say hope you have a good trip, but it would be repetitive to do so since I've said it 20 times already also useless since you informed me you won't be able to read this while you are gone. Know this when you get back though, right from the day you left, you have been in my thoughts. I'm not going to draw this particular entry out too long since I know you won't see it for awhile. I am looking forward to seeing you upon your return and also hearing about your trip. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got !

Anytime

So I have a little money. I'm going to take the kids out to do something tomorrow. I think to eat and the movies. It may be the last time I can afford to do it before I depart. I have french vanilla cappuchino to start my day today. It tastes wonderful. I hope you take pictures. At least a few. It would be cool to see what it looks like. I guess mostly it will just look like anywhere else. I don't know I'm being weird about YOUR vacation. I'm like yeah it's going to be awesome and I can't wait to see it. I'm not even going. The more I think about it the more I realize it's just an island. But still I guess if it was me going I would be pretty excited. But I would rather go on a vacation type thing, I keep forgetting/overlooking the fact that you have an obligation while you are there. I wouldn't have as much fun if I was supposed to be doing things with people other than the person I went with. Vacations aren't really vacations if you have to do shit. At least not to me. Either way you look amazing and I hope you have a wonderful time. I don't know if you'll be able to read the blogs while you are gone,but I'll be doing them anyway. I'm going to do a poem one of these days. I'll try not to be shitty at it. Thanks for the talk last night. It was nice to laugh with you. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got feta.

13

Today is fine, there is no sun, but I have grown used to it by now. I still like the sun and want it to be around, but I have no way of controlling it, so why worry about it. The weekend begins with me alone with my two teenagers, the rest of the clan has gone away for now. I am looking forward to some quiet when I force the kids to vacate the premises tomorrow. At least for a little while. I look forward to that complete silence in which I can think again. Tonight I will probably partake in some alcoholic beverage of beer most likely. The day with the baby is over half done so I am almost ready to sit and relax the weekend away, other than some cleaning and odd things to do here and there. I hope your trip goes well. I'll see you when you get back. Try and enjoy being someplace new and as of yet not experienced. Bring me back a shirt okay, and I'll have some chili ready for you when you get back. Anyway enjoy yourself. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got suitcases.

Now

Now I am starting to wonder if you are avoiding conversation with me, or just don't even want to talk to me period. I don't understand what I did or why you wouldn't want to. I thought we had great conversations that we both enjoyed and also kept us from being bored. Maybe it's gotten to the point now where I'm only speaking to myself here. You used to message me sometimes, or look for me if I wasn't around. Now it's me trying not to constantly send messages because I think I'm just bothering you. I don't understand what happened. I wasn't asking you to commit to me or change your life. I just enjoy talking to you. I thought I had eased back a little and stopped expressing myself so much. I was trying not to push you to not speaking to me. Is lexulous all you really want to do with me? No talking. Well if I only get to say one thing to you I may as well just say I miss you. I wish you would come back and talk to me. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got paint.

Good

So here I am another day. Not so bright but I'm in good spirits anyway. It doesn't really matter what is going on out there. I have the same things today that I had yesterday and will have tomorrow. The world is just a place I'm stuck in. No matter what the weather, place I live, people I share my time with. It's just a wandering. A long hike. There is only one thing missing in my life. Busy day today, well supposedly, but as of late busy days turn into change of plans and end up me sitting around doing what I do everyday. So I can't rely on those words anymore. It's amazing how the plans change from day to day around here. Especially since they are always so important when first mentioned and then just get pushed aside or tossed all together. Blah, that shit doesn't matter either. I just need to. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got it.

Sun

I see the sun today, it isn't very bright though, it's lost some of it's light. I'm a little old to be so dramatic about everything probably. It doesn't feel like dramaticness though to me. I just say what I feel and think at the times that I think them. Not always though, when I have angry thoughts I tend to push them down and not let my anger control what I am speaking. I always think if you are saying something that is nice it will make people feel good. That doesn't always seem to be the case. I can't help it though. I'm not going to be someone else for anyone. I will continue to say and feel how I do as long as often as I feel motivated to be so. I don't know why people seem to like me. Not really anyway. But I do know that it seems people that know me, do in fact enjoy it. This seems like a positive thing. Having someone around that you like. I don't have many of those. So I like it when I find someone like that. Someone who makes me laugh, makes me think, makes me sort of horny.... I know, what do I mean sort of. Anyway, I'm not really trying to say you should be glad to know me. I'm explaining why I'm glad to know you. You are like a gift. I hope this reaches you with a smile. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got Light.

p.s

I started another game.

What a time

What a day I am having. I guess it was wrong for me to be dependent on friends in this way. We barely knew each other and we don't even live in the same country. Sorry for that. I wasn't exaggerating my feelings towards you, but still the pressure I placed on you was too much I'm sure. Maybe.... I can't say anything else right now. I'll talk to you when you are around. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got her.

In the

So here we are, nowhere. It's not so fun here alone. This is how it goes I guess. Cannot know happiness without knowing sadness. That's probably a taoism quote of some sort but I don't have the patience for quotation marks or to search for it so consider this the acknowledgment of said possible quote. Anyway how does it all go so wrong. Am I my own worst enemy, do I walk without looking where I'm going. Do I even know myself really. If I don't know myself how could anyone else care or care to know me either. The desire is fading, it no longer feels like a release, just a hole I can bury myself in. Forget about others and just think about myself here. One day it'll all be gone. Nothing will be left, and what will there be then. A string of emptiness, just the empty line with no one to remember any of it. That's not what I want. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got nothing.

And

There isn't much to say. If i try and just exit it posts like I wrote something anyway. I wonder what's going on with you. Didn't speak at all today. I am drinking and chatting much as I do every friday. I talked to my brother yesterday and june it is. I shall be going to virginia in june sometime. I'm not going to do my planned hitchike thing. I've lost the desire to do that. I just want to lay down and sleep without thinking. Further attempts to....Bye for now. Got

Missed

I don't know how to say this but as simply as I can think it. I miss you as of late. I wonder if you are making a conscious effort to stay away, or only speak to me in that place. I guess you didn't enjoy my company as much as I made myself believe you did. Aint no sunshine.... It may seem as if I'm directing these questions towards you or saying things in an off tone but I assure you this is me talking to me about you. Well part of it anyway. Obviously the first sentence is directed somewhere other than myself. It's unfortunate that this is where I have to come to talk to you. I guess it's my fault since I pushed you and probably made you uncomfortable and backed you into a decision making necessity which could only end with you backing away from me. Things just don't seem as bright anymore. I wish you would just talk to me again, though I understand on some level why you don't want to. It's not necessary to avoid me in private conversation, in case you think it is. Although maybe it is, depending on how you feel about it. If you don't miss the same thing that I miss I guess you would only see not talking to me privately as a healthy thing. I don't know what you think. Sometimes I think I'm nothing to you, other times I think I am, then still at others I think you are undecided or indifferent. I am here though or there or wherever. All you have to do is talk to me and I'll always answer. Don't feel a need to reply to any of this, or if you do remember this is my head not yours. I'll see you when you are around. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got legs.

So it is

In your words I hear despair, not from you, but my own to bare. I try to keep these shouts inside but suppressing them is like a lie. Enough of the poetry. I thought of a nice long poem last night that started like this, but I was too tired to get up and get back on the computer to write it out. Always when I lay down is when the thoughts run most. Drifting into my head as the day comes to close. I wonder sometimes what it is about you that has me like this, but I know what it is, it's everything. Your face your hair your gaze your stare, your laugh your smile, all the images I keep in mind. The way I have to consistently look up words to know what exactly you are saying. Anyway, there isn't a thing you could do to make me stop thinking these things. You are you and that is why I feel how I do. I do wonder if. You can finish that sentence however you want. If you want. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got thoughts.

As it

So here I am, only me and this text. Also the thought that maybe you'll read this. This place is free of others and allows me to speak my mind as I see fit. It probably seems creepy that I talk to you here, but it can't be truly creepy if i realize it. Also I gave you the link so it isn't as if I'm just writing it in the middle of an endless sea of nothingness that is the internet. This is mainly just a way to release my thoughts and express myself. I can't do that freely anywhere else, at least not in relation to the thoughts I'm trying to express. I think I see something of you that you don't or won't allow yourself to see. In another world we would be.... something. Alas this is all I have. I would say we but I don't know that you will continue reading this after your initial reading, which at this point I can only assume you did anyway. Either way I will say that it's always your option to take our friendship wherever you feel is best. I enjoy our conversations and as far as I could tell you did too. I don't know why you see it as a bad thing or totally pointless. As it stands that seems to be the way you perceive it. I wonder what you really think of me. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got hmm.

Days

When I fall asleep that's when the dream ends. I close my eyes to wake up with you. In that place there is no distance between us. No oceans to cross or perspectives to struggle with. There is only me and you and time. It seems as if it won't end, and then just as it began it does. Suddenly I'm in the dream again and you are gone. That's when the reality sets in. You aren't here and I'm not there. I seek your company and you live without mine. This world is cruel in many ways but none as cruel as this. I would give myself to your presence completely, without pause or notice. In my head I am yours, not to command or control but to experience and enjoy. This may seem extreme to you or even ridiculous, but even in text your words make me. Further attempts to.... Bye for now. Got you.

Here

Here is where I can talk to you. Here is where I can say I love you without having to hear your rejection. Here is where I can talk of your face and how beautiful you are without having to reveal my thoughts to you. Here is where I can touch you, if only in my head and through text. I like it here. Yet still, I would rather be there.

ahaha

I totally forgot about this blog. I guess it's been almost a year since I've done anything here. Anyway I wonder where you are today and what you may be doing and if you are having fun. Or if you may be thinking about me during any of the various things you do that aren't where I can see you. You would probably tell me to stop thinking these things, but I really don't want to stop. I like thinking about you. Your hair, your face make me smile. I have so few things to smile about I feel, so having this is nice for me. Either way at some point you'll tell me to fuck off or stop reading what I say to you and delete me from your life and I'll do what I always do when I get disappointed. Walk alone and still make it where I'm going. This isn't my first time enjoying someone who doesn't enjoy me the same way. This is just the first time I've dedicated writing to that person. Inspiration or the fact that I can at least feel as if I'm talking to you either way it keeps me somewhat happy thinking you'll read what I write. Bye for now. Got shoes.