Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Once again
Once again I will sit here to write. My son has been acting as if he doesn't care about anything. He is on probation and pissing dirty and disobeying direct orders from his probation officer pretty much daily. I guess like father like son, but really, my son is smarter than I was. I am at a loss for understanding what his thought process is regarding these issues. I ask him if he is angry about something, or if he has some sort of problem he's dealing with, he just refuses to talk about it if there is something mostly he just denies there is any sort of problem. I know he is 15 and kids will be kids, but he is too smart to act like this. Obviously something is bothering him. I have no idea how to coax it out of him or get him to talk. Day after day I just sit and randomly try and explain to him how hard he is making it on himself. I don't know it makes me sort of sad. Watching him do this to himself, his mom, even his grandma (my mom) who went through all this once already with me when I was his age. Almost the exact same problems. I was 15 on probation and smoking weed and disobeying my probation officer. He knows some of this but it's really sort of uncanny how similar his situation is to what mine was at the exact same age. I was doing more drugs and my dad wasn't around much at all but those are about the only differences. Is it something I am doing or not doing. I don't know. Maybe he is still angry at me because I was gone for four years. Maybe he is angry because he doesn't have a girlfriend. Maybe he feels like his life is complete shit. I hope to figure out whatever it is and I hope to figure it out soon. I feel like using. I thought to be over it but I guess whenever I feel too happy or too sad this will always be something I will have to deal with. Further attempts to. Bye for now. Got answers.
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don't let your son's current downward spiral reignite your own. the habit hardest to break is habit itself, not what you want to use. you (kind of want to, but probably won't) revert to those actions because of a feeling. (ie, immense sadness. part of which is about being utterly perplexed what to do.) the good thing here is that your will is still strong enough to want to help your son more than you want to obliviate it all. even though you dont know how to go about it, or when you try it's like a brick wall. i guess that's the test. because the brick wall (his silence / lack of cooperation) probably aint gonna crumble. as a troubled youth even when a large part of me wanted to scream what the problem/s was, there was no way words were going to form into sentences and come out of my mouth. and that's only felt in the most vulnerable moments, i expect the rest of the time he, just like i, just like you, just wants all the interrogation (however well intentioned or gentle or loving or exasperated) to fuck.right.off. you probably can't do a lot about that. this spell of fucking-up may only just be at its beginning. (though we can hope with sincerity, not.) either way. adding your own fucking-up to his fucking-up will only make the fuckedupness multiply worse. of course you know this. why am i saying it. well, in a previous post you asked for words. here are some.
ReplyDeleteyour choosing to not use now is far more than practising what you preach to your son, and trying to be a role model through abstinent action. (and man is not-doing sometimes tougher than doing. 'action' barely does that justice.) the mirror of considering your mom's situation will be invaluable for keeping perspective. choosing not to use is as much about your own having grown the fuck up (by which i mean experientially, not merely maturity.) i dont even know if experientially is a word. i do know this is now really long and probably not articulated very well. obviously you need a clear head now more than ever... the trick is not just keeping it clear but dealing with the sadness that it being clear entails. i dunno. think of your son's situation as magnetic. you can either get sucked into it, attracted, or you do the tougher thing of repelling it, draining and forceful and counterproductive as it will all feel. if i had time i would draw a little magnet kevin with +ve head and -ve feet, hah. and a forcefield of repulsion around them. you get the picture. be well... which is also to say... think well... act well!